Expressway to ‘Hate’

Like most people, I end up criticizing myself within seconds. No matter how much I teach myself to look at the brighter side, no matter how positive and charming I come across to the other person, I am still very harsh to myself. I am consciously learning to unlearn this and to make strong progress in loving myself. It is easier said than done as always, specially when you have grown up in a society that never missed an opportunity to tell you what you lack in appearance.

I was looking at my photos from a year ago and I realized the weight I have put on and guess what I did? Yes, took the expressway to hate. Despite my gut warning me against it, I climbed on the weighing scale to further my displeasure. Needless to say, the next couple of hours, I spent sulking and looking at old pictures so I could make myself upset. This coupled with jet lag, God knows is a match made in heaven! But, thanks to some sort of divine intervention, I picked up a sheet of paper and made a list of things that I achieved in the past year that I am proud of. I wrote down the struggles I faced and how I have healed internally during this time period. I made a note of what I can do to my current displeasure and there it was, my answer and solution!

As I read the list, I realized there are so many things that I am immensely proud of. I achieved a major milestone and I fulfilled a promise I made to myself 3.5 years ago. I thought about the hurt and pain I have experienced in the last one year, the love I have showered on people around me and the beautiful community of friends I have. I counted the many ways I have experienced miracles and worked my way through complex emotions. I am proud. If I could, I would give myself a bear hug for all that I have worked through, for all the achievements and even for all the mistakes I made. Because, all of this together is the real ‘ME’. I would not want it any other way.

So is my momentary hatred towards myself a sign that I have made no progress in healing? Absolutely not. I have come to realize one thing, and that is, the process and outcome of healing looks different everyday. Some day it is celebrated with smiles and some days it means being curled up in a blanket, crying for no apparent reason. Being upset with yourself once in a while should not and does not set you back to square one on your journey to self-love. Sometimes you will have to take the expressway to hate to realize something bigger and beautiful!

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